it wasn’t always this way. in fact, i spent a good part of 3 decades feeling lost and disorganized and like i was never actually gonna make it, be successful or make an impact in a way that felt like it mattered to me.

i thought i was lazy and something was wrong with me. i felt like i was flawed because i didn’t stay at jobs for very long, i always got bored and immediately wanted to leave and do something else. i didn’t think i was ever gonna get anywhere in my career or be able to move up in positions because i kept getting entry level jobs and struggling to keep up cuz it wasn’t engaging enough for me. all this after i graduated with a bachelor’s degree in math 😳.

on the outside i looked like a star employee but on the inside i was dying. i was struggling so hard with perfectionism and people pleasing and never feeling like i was good enough or doing enough or doing things perfectly enough. i always thought i should do things better or faster or more efficient.

i started multiple businesses over the course of my adult life. always thinking that this was gonna be the one. it was gonna be the thing. that i finally chose something i’d stick with and be successful at. and then eventually that biz (and me) would fizzle out. i didn’t have a clear view of goals or anything to work toward. i didn’t know any business practices. i didn’t have a system for anything.

whatever i did learn online, i tried to follow 100% exactly, believing that if i followed someone else’s steps 100% correctly, then i would be guaranteed to have success. and when success didn’t happen, i blamed myself. i didn’t try hard enough, i didn’t do enough, i didn’t do it right, there must be something i’m missing.

i felt overwhelmed by all the things i didn’t know how to do. i felt overwhelmed by even trying to figure out what to do in the first place. and i was ignoring that i had adhd.

i didn’t understand how to work with my adhd and break tasks down into small bite sized pieces. i was trying to tackle a huge project, thinking that it was a task. i’d write in my planner to “work on my business”. so i thought i was doing a good job because i was scheduling it into my day and my week. however, i didn’t even know what tasks to do. there was no clear vision.

and my resources were spread out all over the place. i always tried to keep my digital space and my physical space organized. but things still lived all over. files in multiple different folders, web page links saved as browser bookmarks, notes in multiple different notebooks.

i didn’t have a dedicated structure or container to work within. i just tried to put any attention and focus i could into it.

and i certainly didn’t have anywhere to store the things i had already completed and accomplished. so there was nothing for me to look back on and feel proud of or celebrate. i was always so focused of being onto the next thing. and still never feeling like i was gaining any success.